College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
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Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again