i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
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If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.