Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
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I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]