[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
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Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
FRED: right
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Love is always patient and kind.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting