it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
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Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Grandmother clock.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30