Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
You Might Also Like
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
not for long
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.