Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
You Might Also Like
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Can’t. About to go please some beans
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.