If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
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Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope