date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
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MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing