When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
You Might Also Like
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.