I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
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This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Who says great literature is dead?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Me trying to “trust the process”
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
me irl
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
“you recording!?”