On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”