If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
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[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Good advice.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.