It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
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I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
My background check bounced.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.