the three genders
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I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
You know…for fall…