please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
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Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?