My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
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Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
This hospital has everything
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich