*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
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*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch