Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
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INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality