Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
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“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates