6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
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[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
The Backseat Boys
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?