they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
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I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.