Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
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ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
How times have changed.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.