Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
You Might Also Like
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
How do dragons blow out candles?
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
my astrological sign is a french fry
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Passwords are more important than ever.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor