I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
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Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”