When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
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Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*