How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
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ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Erm…
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?