4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
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Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies