FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
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A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I’d love this…lol
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Happy Friday
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”