me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
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I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce