every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
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-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
who will stop them