I’m listening
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“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled