me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
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Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon