Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
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Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
me working on my assignments ^-^
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about