“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.