I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
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Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math