Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
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WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
this is me
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.