Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
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When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Worth a try
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith