Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
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I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I found your tweet-up…
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown