I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
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I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.