Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
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Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Education is vital
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
remember
only for emergencies
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks