My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
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I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.