Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
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Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy