I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
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Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me