Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
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Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Shortcut
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between