Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
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how high up are we talkin’?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.