*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
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I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too