Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
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this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
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I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume