After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
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In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Smooooooth
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.