If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
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If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!